I was always the quiet student.
I nearly wrote quiet child. That would have been a lie. As a baby, I drove my mother to the brink of insanity with my endless screaming and crying. Then I quieted down. A lot.
In school and in early social situations, I was always the silent observer, in the background, paying attention and not being noticed much.
As I have matured and developed as an adult, however, I’ve become more and more comfortable with taking space and making my voice heard. It started with my best friend not only accepting my voice, but even inviting me to take more space, and seeing how this affected our dynamics — for the better — it triggered a gradual change that has been so subtle day to day over many years that I haven’t really noticed and reflected much over it.
In this course, there is no question that I am among those who talk most in class. But I still didn’t really… get it that I am one of the talkers, because that identity is still not visceral, not quite there yet.
I’ll hear comments like “you were uncharacteristically quiet today” and be totally surprised. Then think about it and not be so surprised anymore. But every time I hear it the surprise is back.
I feel the big change finally dawned on me today when members of the agonistic facilitation group — whose aim was to get as many viewpoints as possible expressed — designed small groups for in-depth discussion in a way that the talkers and more reserved people were separated, so that talkers simply wouldn’t be talking over all the others. (Our class is overall amazingly respectful in giving space to talk, but this clever set-up was the crème de la crème.)
As they explained this choice to us — who by the way were oblivious — they looked at me as if I was one of the loudmouths… (and as if I clearly knew I was one). And my response was what shocked me most: I said “Whaaaaat?!! I resent that!”
I’ve trained myself to notice whenever I’m lying to myself, fooling myself or just generally being dishonest with myself about my own emotions or desires. I absolutely did not resent this comment. If anything, it was validation for a conscious direction of self-development I had started so many years ago. I actually felt subtly joyful, and a pinch of pride.
But I clearly had a different reflex response. And noticing the discrepancy between the actual meaning and my behaviour in response triggered a fuller awareness of this clear change in character not being reflected in a change of identity.
Hopefully, this mere awareness will suffice to update my sense of self. It usually does.
And I hope this post has triggered some reflection in yourselves. Feel free to comment below, and please share!
